Monday, March 9, 2020

This is what 36 looks like

As I turn another year older, I've been thinking a lot about how and why I am the way I am. How much am I responsible for me, and how much am I a composite of all the experiences and conditions of my past and present? At what point is a person able to really make their own choices, free from their past conditioning? I find myself watching children, studying how they navigate the world, wondering what goes on in their little heads. It’s especially interesting to me, watching kids and how they interact with adults.  Some are defiant, some quick to listen, some speak to any and every adult they can, some shrink behind their parent’s leg and whisper replies only a mom or dad can translate. When I was a child, I understood a happy adult was better than an unhappy adult, and I could make adults happy by listening well and being polite.  At some point, as life got more complicated--more children in my family, leaving my safe home environment for the wild west of public school--listening well became my mantra to feel safe and secure; and doing my best to keep adults happy, to be a bright spot amidst my rambunctious peers, became my job. I was praised for my maturity and ability, and I was hooked -- the positive reinforcement made following directions and listening to adults my main objective. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

This is what 3.5 looks like

Elle, I apologize for not doing this in a more timely manner. Your birthday fell in the middle of a crazy season for our family—a few trips, a big show, and then summer. 

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Eric warned me not to publish this

I posted this yesterday, and then took it down because it felt like too much to lay bare. I have five other essays I’ve written that are sitting, unpublished, because they’re very personal and vulnerable and frankly I don’t want to burden anyone else with my stuff, or defend my work, or wonder what people think about it. But I read something recently that said it’s not the job of the artist to chase after her work, defending it. That’s a lawyers job. Luckily, I know a good lawyer, so I’m just going to set the art free, and allow you to do with it what you will. 💗

Tuesday, November 6, 2018


It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles.  But they did not believe the women, because their words seem to them like nonsense."
Luke 24:10-11

We are all products of our environment.  I grew up a in a conservative town raised by middle-class Christian parents.  I am now a middle-class woman, back in that same town, raising my daughters in conditions similar to my youth.  The people from my childhood probably still see me very much as that young girl, much as I will always see my daughters as they are now. The danger with this is people change as they grow into adulthood, and friction can occur -- teenage rebellion, for example -- when one has grown and changed into something new, and is not being taken seriously as they are, instead being seen as another believes them to be.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

This is what 2.5 looks like

Today sweet Elle is two and a half!

She is the craziest, silliest, most hilarious kid in the world.  She is fearless, unafraid to try anything new, like jumping in the deep end, without her floaties on.  While her mom helps the big sister put goggles on.  Hypothetically speaking. This is the one responsible for my wrinkles and my new gray hairs.