Safer at home

She is so ready for us to leave.

Maybe This is Normal: the name I gave this blog over six years ago as I transitioned from full-time world-renowned actress and model to full-time stay at home mom. It was a hard transition for me, I think, because I couldn't reconcile the simultaneous joy and overwhelm I felt.  I was generally confused. After say, six months of feeling mostly elated by my role as mother and also mostly unsure of every decision I made, I realized...Maybe this is what it's like to be...an adult? A parent? Huh. Maybe this is...normal?    

I reached this conclusion only after I was forced to slow. down.  I gave up my normal -- daily work outs, jet-set lifestyle, happy hours out with friends, and adapted to a new normal -- sleepless days and nights, a baby who screamed bloody murder any time she was in her carseat, and a husband with a fledgling law firm who was gone 10 hours a day. 

All of this to say: I lost my shit. 

I have been forced to slow down and reckon with myself under stressful circumstances.  I was forced to pause all the things I thought gave my life meaning in order to examine a deeper truth -- who am I without my routine? My hobbies?  My relationships with others?  How do I exist outside of these things?  How do I find value when I am not doing?

Obviously, I put all of that existential energy into MOTHERING!  Not one, but two times over.  And then those little rug rats started growing and didn't need me in quite the same way they did before, and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.  

I lost my shit again.  Pretty recently, in fact. 

Today we live in the midst of a global pandemic and we experience collective anxiety, with good reason. This virus is brutal, we are not prepared, we lack efficient leadership, we are vulnerable. I was worried about myself, the first few days of sheltering in place; I was worried about keeping it together as the structure of my life was dismantled.  I was worried about leading my family through this as I read the news. 

I realized though, my first two rounds of losing my shit prepared me for this moment.  Sitting in the uncertainty while the world transforms around me...noticing my impulse to control...waiting for a deeper truth...shifting the focus to what I am instead of what I lack...These same questions, again?!

**Hot damn, I think this is my time to shine!** 

I'm not alone in wishing things had played out differently.  I find myself wanting to blame others for ineffective leadership, for irresponsible decision making, and getting us into this mess in the first place. This blame game is satisfying to my ego, but it does little else.  It's hard, modeling responsible behavior when ego runs the show. 

Sometimes I fall into a trap of using gratitude to put my ego back into place.  You have all this, why do you focus on what you lack?  What happens then, instead of gratitude, is shame. When I skip the step of honoring disappointment by plastering over it with other things I already have, I feel ashamed.

I am a human being, and by that very definition, I want things. By things I mean both material things, and things to go my way.  I can accept that fact, instead of trying to talk myself out of it.  I can honor disappointment when things do not go my way, and allow pleasure when they do, instead of pretending I am above, you know, being a person. 

You are allowed to grieve what you've given up for the greater good.  I can't imagine all of you with weddings, graduations, proms, birthdays, performances -- I am heartbroken for you. All the small, lovely things of my life, going to preschool with Elle and kindergarten with Grace, going to the movie theatre, seeing my friends and their kids, these are not once in a lifetime events, but I do feel their absence. You are allowed to be mad, pissed, sullen, morose.  As you walk yourself out of disappointment, slowly, the path will become familiar and easier to navigate in the future.  I can say this with authority because it's actually science. 

Gratitude is so powerful.  It's most powerful on its own, and not in relation to anything else. 

I wrote most of this last week and never posted it because I'm doing that thing where I think, why the hell would anyone care what you have to say, you are no expert and you are not that clever. I'm back though, and I'm going to post this because in my dreams I think I am maybe an author, and an honor-er of people who have a lot of feelings.  Like I said earlier: us creative, angsty types -- this is our time to shine.  Since I can't show up in person to honor my people and their feelings, I offer up my thoughts to you, with love and genuine gratitude.

We are so lucky to be healthy and we have certainly enjoyed time together this week. Here's a few pictures of what the girls and I have done from home: 

Science is our favorite, so we did an experiment with oil, water, food color and glitter.  (of course.)   We used Tylenol shooters as pipettes. 

We made hypotheses before we began and then created science journals to record our observations.

Elle had a lot to say. 😑

She was a hard worker though!

Grace nailed it!

Elle practiced scissor skills by giving this guy a hair cut. I used toilet paper roll, drew on a face, traced some lines for hair, and she did the rest!

We made marshmallow slime using powdered sugar, coconut oil and marshmallows.  Do a quick pinterest search, there's tons of recipes, we adapted ours as we went.  It's messy but super easy to clean up.

 

Grace loved this one, Elle not quite as much.

I put letters in plastic Easter eggs and had Elle match them to letters on butcher paper.  Grace was desperate to take over, so I tasked her with being the teacher!

Just a few letters on the paper at a time to keep it from being too overwhelming.  Then she traced them!

We practiced letters and snap words by writing them in salt with different utensils. There is still salt everywhere on my floor, even after multiple rounds of sweeping and vacuuming, be advised if you try this one at home!

See that smile?  That's the "I'm going to eff this up" smile.  She grabbed a handful of salt and threw it in the air right after I snapped this pic.  

Stay well, stay happy, stay in your athleisure day after day, and most importantly, stay home!