This summer there was a local talent competition in my community that took place every Wednesday evening, in the style similar to American Idol. My bestie and I would go just about every week, enjoying each other's company and spectacle of the competition. We sat in the same seats in the middle of a row and since we almost always arrived late, and since I almost always left early, I found myself profusely apologetic to the little old ladies we climbed over week after week. One evening during intermission, I struck up conversation with the woman next to me and explained I had a newborn baby which is why I was always coming in right as the curtain rose and why I usually had to sneak out before the show was over.
She was sweet and reassured me she completely understood, she had been there many years before. She was impressed I was able to get away at all, saying, "We are finally enjoying some girls time now, now that our children are grown and our husbands are in heaven. No more making dinners or being home at a certain time for us!"
She told me this with a mischevious grin and a giggle. I loved her for it, and thought how nice it was that moms recognize and understand the obligations of other moms.
This exchange stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it from time to time, because as light-hearted as it felt at the time, I think there was a A LOT OF STUFF packed into that little exchange.
a) The duty of motherhood is universal.
b) Is it possible that lady didn't get to enjoy time out with her friends until her husband died?
c) IS SHE SORT OF GLAD HER HUSBAND IS DEAD?
It's a terrible thing to think, but there was something about the way she said it that was filled with such relief, I couldn't help but think she was glad to just be. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, I don't know the first thing about her marriage or how much she loved her husband...but, 6 months later, I still find myself thinking about her. I find myself feeling a little bad for this woman, that maybe she didn't have a marriage that was about partnership, but more about service. More specifically, there was a hierarchy in her home and she played second fiddle. Her husband called the shots, and she catered to them. Whew, I think. So glad to be raising girls in the 21st Century with a feminist partner. (Not that it's easy, don't get me wrong. Please. I still am the only one who knows how to put our girls' laundry away.)
Now is the point in the blog where we shift gears a little and I tell you a few things about me. I have been quiet on this blog for awhile, mostly because I have been struggling post-election. Struggling to make sense of the world I actually live in versus the world I thought I lived in. Here is the concept that best helps define how I am making sense of the world right now: Patriarchy.
Patriarchy is a social system in which males hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property. In the domain of the family, fathers or father-figures hold authority over women and children. Some patriarchal societies are also patrilineal, meaning that property and title are inherited by the male lineage.
Pre-election I had a vague sense that we lived in a patriarchal society, I took my husband's last name, so I clearly bought into the system, but I also thought that patriarchy was more for its ease of use than for any actual beliefs about differences between women and men. With this election, I am starting to understand the stronghold patriarchy has on us. And I'm pissed about it.
Let me give you an example. Eric, my husband, is a real smart cookie, perhaps you've even read some of his posts on this here blog. Eric had the privilege of attending law school and has done good things with the knowledge he learned. I attended the same college, and though I didn't go to law school, I graduated with honors while earning two undergraduate degrees. One thing that separates Eric and I is that he is extraordinarily confident in himself. Why shouldn't he be? I, however, am in a constant state of second-guessing myself. I can't remember a time when I didn't hem and haw over a decision and said decision's consequences. Why is this, that we are so opposite in this regard? Personality types? Sure, maybe, but I think there's more going on here. We had similar upbringings, we're not too far apart in age, we grew up in the same state, even, and while my beginnings were more humble (Teen Mom and Dad), we were both comfortably raised by middle class parents. So why does he blaze ahead, never second guessing himself while I am paused at every turn, explaining myself left and right? Because patriarchy. Men hold primary power, moral authority. Why should they have to explain themselves or second-guess their actions? Patriarchy.
I was raised with three sisters, by a mom and a dad who taught me I could be or do anything I wanted. To their credit and thanks to their unending sacrifice, up until recently I really thought there were no limits on what I could achieve. And then November 8th happened and the more qualified candidate lost, and she happened to be a woman who went up against someone who is very comfortable with the patriarchal system. You can say, oh Erin, it's not about women it's about that woman. You sure? Listen, I know how you feel about Hillary, I get it. I understand. But is it possible, maybe, she's that woman because you've never seen anything like her before? I'm asking you to examine the genesis of your feelings toward her. Why is she such a bitter pill to swallow? I think we are so accustomed to patriarchy that when a woman stands up to it, time and again, it we don't know what to do with her. So we default to patriarchy. Maybe you fell on your sword this time around, for the sake of the Conservative Agenda. You're a Family Values voter. You're a Christian Conservative. You're making the moral choice. (...!) I actually understand why you voted for the "Conservative" candidate. Because electing Mrs. Clinton would undermine the entire patriarchal structure of the institutions you are a part of. And then where would your institutions be? Scrambling, is my best guess.
In case you think I'm making this stuff up, that you've never personally felt the effects of patriarchy, please read this article from the Times. Just because patriarchy or any -ism (sexism, racism, etc) doesn't exist in your reality doesn't mean it doesn't exist at all. Anyway, I'll cut to the chase in case you're short on time:
“If I would have voted, I would have voted for him,” said Andre Frierson, 40, a security guard...
As for Mrs. Clinton, “other countries probably wouldn’t have respected us because we had a woman running the country,” he said
Listen, I know I'm over-simplifying some very complicated issues, and I don't want anyone to feel like I'm painting them as a villain because of the way they voted. So here's my main point -- anytime anyone, any institution, any mode of thought -- patriarchy, for example-- tries to determine for you your role in this world, they are making you less free. They are defining your narrative. One of the reasons I love America so much is because we are free to decide for ourselves how to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If you choose to subscribe to an institution that defines your role within it, you are free to do so! But you don't have the right to decide that for any other person.
That is why I am so heartbroken at the outcome of this election, by the clutches of patriarchy...because my role is already sort of written, isn't it? I am slotted into second place by many people, just by being me. Someday I will have to explain this to my daughters, how patriarchy works, and how, despite all the strong women who have come before them, it will likely define how other people see them and their place in the world. And most importantly, I will teach them that no belief system, save one they choose for themselves, will define who they are. They will be raised, as I was, to know the sky is the limit. I just hope they don't have to reach the same sobering conclusion I have.
And it's not like the sadness and worry ends with this conclusion, either. I am scared about the future -- I will likely now have to worry about how I can get the birth control that best suits me and my needs, how if I have an ectopic pregnancy I might not have access to a safe abortion, or horrendously, have to have a burial for what never was a baby in the first place. But that's the agenda of the Patriarchy, right? Keep the women frantically focusing on their reproduction and their families so they don't have time to get busy working to solve the world's problems....could this be the sort of opression that makes us relieved when our patriarchs are...dead?
For those of you who are demanding we put this election behind us and focus on healing, focus on getting back to work, to making America Great again, I ask you this: when, exactly, was America last great? What decade would you like to take us back to? Was it our slavery years? Back when women didn't have the right to vote? Back during the Civil Rights movement? We are a nation that has great promise, but we have never been great to all our people. Unless you are a straight white man, you know what I'm talking about.
Part of me thinks writing this was a moot point anyway because the people who agree with me already agree with me, and the people I really would like to have a conversation about this are probably not going to engage, right? Too tough. Too much emotional stuff tied up here. So thanks for sticking with me, thanks for reading, and feel free to share this if it speaks to you. I mostly wanted to get this off my hamster wheel brain before the holidays in order to enjoy and be present for every minute with my girls and my family. Sometime during this season, I will think about that sweet old lady from the talent competition, hoping she's tipping back a few eggnogs this Christmas, staying out as late as she wants, enjoying her children and grandchildren, missing her husband while dancing in the new year with her gaggle of best friends.
Peace to you and yours, now and always,
Erin
(I have seen many sentiments on Facebook and the like that nothing is really going to change. It already has, but I understand some things take time to reveal themselves. At the risk of going on even longer, perhaps I could interest you in some light reading over your holiday break:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4033994/Sweden-warns-preparing-war-Officials-ordered-ensure-civil-defence-infrastructure-ready-fear-Russian-invasion-grows.html
https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2016/12/trump-taiwan/509474/
http://breakingdefense.com/2016/12/china-seizes-us-underwater-drone-fortifies-disputed-islets/)
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