This is what 10 years looks like

Once upon a time, on a very hot summer day ten years ago, two crazy kids tied the knot.

It was literally 100 degrees that day.  Photo cred to the fabulous Front Room Photography.

I've recently been introduced to the work of Alain de Botton, a philosopher and author, on This American Life, where he was being interviewed about marriage.  His take on marriage was one I hadn't heard before.  He said, and I quote -- "You will often be in despair.  You will think it's the worst decision you've ever made.... And many of the hopes that brought you into the marriage will have to die if you want the marriage to continue."

Sign me up!

I loved listening to him because, even though it sounds a bit dark, the delivery was honest, earnest, even.  And you know what? He's not wrong.  We often rush into marriage because you know, we're in love! Then, when things get tough -- You use Miracle Whip? Really? Would you care to reconsider?  Who's going to pay the bills each month? That's an interesting way to fold shirts... we expect our partners, our soul mates to inherently know exactly what to do to please us, no words needed because you complete me.  De Botton is married so I don't take him for a cynic, just someone who sees the flaws in spending your life with one person, and weighing the risks with the rewards, decided to give it a go himself.  And he's brave enough to talk about the risks realistically.  I don't think marriage is despairing, or a place where my dreams go to die, but I do think it would help if we defined the after in happily ever after.

I think back to the early days of my relationship and marriage and in addition to the crazy amount of fun we had, I remember sometimes feeling like we might be doomed because Eric didn't really know me.  I'd be disappointed and let down over little things that I thought were obvious because, ME.  Over the last ten years it's slowly sunk into my thick dome that we have to communicate our needs and wishes in order to have them met.  Imagine making small talk about your love of roasting and grinding your own coffee beans with your favorite barista, then staring deep into his or her eyes just waiting for them to know your Starbuck's heart's desire because you had a connection over coffee?  That's ludicrous. Why the heck should we expect that from our life partner?!  No one knows your heart's desire except you. The stuff Disney's been shoveling down our throats about starry-eyed gazes on a magic carpet while mice make your wedding gown is actually not the foundation of marriage, and the earlier we teach our kids this is a myth I think the better off they might be.  So speak up, okay?  I like my iced coffee with cream and a shot of vanilla, and I like my husband to be home by 6pm, and to call if he's going to be late.

Back when I was a career gal, I had jobs that would take me away from home for weeks at a time.  As I got to know my co-workers, they often expressed surprise that my husband and I were willing to be apart for as much as two weeks at a time.  I was always astonished by this sentiment, like why not?  This is the job, right?  No big deal.  Of course I missed him, but I missed my mom too and she certainly wasn't going to come on the road with me, or demand that I stay home. Some went so far as to think I was unhappily married because I was able to socialize and make new friends, all by myself -- a married woman without her husband!  The shock!  What is this, 1816? Feels a bit misogynistic, now that I think about it.  Just because you're married doesn't mean you stop being you. You should be you, since that's who your partner fell in love with in the first place.  You still get to grow as an individual.  You still get to have friendships and experiences independent of your spouse.  And then instead of reducing your marriage to the old ball and chain trope, it can be a safe spot, something to appreciate and savor at the end of a long day, or a long business trip.



I think the thing that has made me appreciate Eric the most is becoming parents together.  Most of life's ups and downs were better together, certainly, but enter a seven pound four ounce little screamer and Eric and I needed one another in a way we never have before.  Kids turn up the color, the contrast, the volume on your once quiet and controllable life. They will simultaneously bleed you dry and fill your bucket, right?  They'll make you feel like you're losing your mind and also be your purpose for living, all in the same moment.  It can be so tempting, especially in those frenzied moments, to keep score when you feel like you're doing the lion's share of the work, when your sacrifices are going unnoticed and unappreciated yet again.  Don't do it.  Chances are, you're so consumed with your own self, you're missing all the sacrifices your partner is making, too. Eric is my backbone for the moments when my bucket is empty and overflowing.  Eric is my sounding board when, in the same moment, I want to scream with stress and weep with gratitude about how much I adore the life we've created.  Eric is the one who sleeps with Grace in her bed so I can sleep with Elle in hopes of making it to morning relatively unscathed.  We need each other to get through, especially right now.  We both have to put ourselves, our egos on the back burner, and we must serve the ones who need serving. Have I mentioned this is the hardest thing I've ever done? --  Bury my ego? But, ME!!  -- It's hard.  I don't do it well.  But I'm trying.  And, in rare moments when things are calm and our egos are tucked safely away, we can sit back, relax (I use that term loosely), and realize how nice it is to take the spotlight off of our own selves as we marvel over the future we've created together.




Sometimes Eric and I talk about how our lives would be different if we hadn't met so young.  He wonders if he'd be in DC kicking ass for justice, or working at a big fancy law firm.  I wonder if I'd have made it to LA for pilot season, or to NYC for fashion week, or more realistically if I'd be living in my parent's basement.  We always agree that, while we both certainly would have been a smashing success individually, we are far better off with one another.  We also agree that we tend to play it pretty safe. Eric especially.  The man loves safety goggles. Anyway, in the years after we said "I do,"  life dealt us a series of blows, and we made responsible decisions in the wake of those blows.  I think we've laid a safe foundation for our family and our future, and Eric? I think for the next 10 we should dream bigger.  Let's play bigger.  Let's show our girls how fun and adventurous and kind and brave we are...let's show them the world and teach them how to love well and serve well, and hope that with our example, they know exactly what happily ever after really means.

Happy Anniversary, my love.