Life 2.0

I'm sitting in my birthing suite ruminating on the events of the last 48 hours, trying to think of something I can compare this experience to, to make it more relatable, but I'm coming up short.  Giving birth is a stand alone experience, as is everything that follows. This room, this hospital, it's so isolated from the rest of the world.  It literally just dawned on me I can turn on music.  It's a little daunting, thinking about joining reality...even though I'm going slightly stir crazy cooped up in this little room.  I know this part of the journey is just about over, and it's going to be in stark contrast to the next chapter, so I'm trying to enjoy it...but it's still. so. strange.                    

I remember, at this point with Grace I was a weepy mess, just overcome by love and gratitude, with a healthy side of uncertainty.  I feel those same emotions this time, but I'm a lot stronger and more cheerful because I know what to expect.  Man, experience is so great.  That's why we have to love getting older people, we just have to love it.

Fast forward a few days and we are home, adjusting to life 2.0.  It's different.  It's challenging.  It's really good.  Elle is the world's most easy going baby. I like to call her 'El Chill'.  Sometimes I look over at her, a little guilty that she's the second born, and the vibe I always get is, "I'm cool, ma. I'm cool." She's cried once since we've been home from the hospital, and that was when she had to get blood drawn.  Otherwise she squawks a bit when she's hungry, looks around bright eyed when awake, and snuggles into anyone's arms the rest of the time.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God.  Thank you thank you thank you for blessing me with such a nice baby.  Even if everything changes tomorrow, this last week has been a blessing.

Miss Grace has been adjusting quite well, she calls Elle "my baby" and always makes a spot for her when we read books at night.  She's been battling a cold which is about the most inconvenient thing, especially when the baby slept better than she did last night.  It makes me feel defeated, spending so many hours awake in the middle of the night...but what good comes from that?  Nothing, so I shed a few tears, take a shower, shake it off and hope for the best.  Thank heavens for my family, who have taken Grace to story time, taken her to play at the park or over to Mimi's for a few hours...she thrives on the undivided attention, and I've soaked up the one on one time with Elle.  Thank you family, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

These last few days, I wish I could find a word to describe them.   Visceral? Poignant? Full?  They all fall short.  I just keep thinking "life."  We are starting someone's life here, and it's so sweet, so important, so all consuming.  I feel stretched thin, mostly in a good way., like I'm really doing something.  My tribe has been dealt some serious losses this week -- friends parents and a childhood mentor -- and my dad spent several days in the hospital with a crippling back injury. Heavy stuff. Elle's arrival has been such a spot of joy, a reminder that sweet and sorrow run parallel, opposite sides of the same coin of life. I think that's how to describe this post partum period: feeling sweetness and sorrow at exactly the same time...and not just feeling it, having them pierce your heart.  Sorrow that the pregnancy is over, sorrow that I cannot shield my girl from the impossible life lessons, sorrow that she's going to grow up, while simultaneously knowing the process is so sweet -- the weight of her tiny body on my chest, her first smile, her first words, her innocence, the magic of a new life.  It's almost too much to bear, isn't it?  I'm choosing to love it, to revel in it, to soak it all up.  These days, these days of sweetness and sorrow, they will forever be etched in my heart, seared into my memory, a time of wonder and awe and exhaustion...life.