It's the Final Countdown

I have 17 days left.  I'm mostly excited, with a side of nervous anxiety.  And what do we do when we have anxiety?  We shop! What do we do when we have anxiety and Mimi offers to babysit?  We shop in Chicago!

When I was pregnant with Grace we were able to splurge (thanks Papa Giant!) on a once in a lifetime baby moon in Hawaii.

Not to to be outdone the second time around, last week Eric and I took an overnight trip to Chicago to go to the auto show (Nordstrom for me.)  The same auto show I worked at for years.  I went as an attendee, because apparently second kids make you much more practical with your time and resources, oh and, according to Eric, we're getting a loser cruiser  mini van "multi-passenger vehicle."  My, how things change, eh?

I had some trepidation leaving Grace, she's still not the best sleeper, and frankly, I feel like this time with her as my one and only is so precious that I hate to take any of it for granted.  Which upon further reflection is ridiculous because we basically spend 24 hours a day together, so I let Mimi, Anna and Papa take the reigns, and Eric and I hit the open road. It was wonderful. Which made me wonder why the heck we didn't do this earlier and more often?!  I got to visit with some old friends (a big big shout out to Steph and Gary for sharing their extra room with us!!), shop at my own pace (I only bought kids stuff. wut.), we actually found a MINI VAN we like (!), and we had the most delectable meal at Joe's Stone Crab.  Bliss.  Oh, and we brought the camera to sneak in a few pics of what the end of this pregnancy looks like.

I especially love these photos because I'm not sure if I'll ever be pregnant again. (That's Eric's link. Lol.) I think maybe I'd like to be, but I'm just not sure, and it will be awhile before we make any decisions...so I'm doing my best to enjoy this present experience.  I'm getting a little awkward, physically speaking -- it's hard to pick things up off the floor, this baby is so long I feel her on my tailbone and in my ribs at the same time, and every time she moves my whole mid section shifts. I'm not sleeping particularly well, I've had two sinus infections and chronic congestion since December, and I'm running out of shirts.  Today I woke up and my lips and mouth are so swollen I look like I got lip injections. But I am deeply grateful to have experienced these feelings, these challenges, because pretty soon these little things that only I feel will be no longer...she'll be on the outside and I'll be left empty, and a little lost without my partner for the last nine months.

I know that the point of this whole journey is to produce a baby, and I'm ready to meet her, but knowing this part of our adventure is coming to an end -- and that this might be the last time I ever get to feel these things -- chokes me up, freaks me out, makes me want to grab onto something, anything that is unaffected by the change of time, and hold on to it for dear life.  Especially when I look at my two year old, jumping on a path of pillows she made all by herself, while Lady and the Tramp plays on the TV, when she looks at me and says, "I want some hummus." How is she so big and capable?  I'm not ready for her to be big yet.  And this baby, this new baby is going to make her seem soo big.  Grace is ready.  I'm not.  Hence the anxiety.  Strangely, I'm not (too) worried about how we're going to get two kids to sleep, how I'm going to be able to hold two of them up when they're both crying, how I'm going to nurse one and get the other a snack, how I'm going to hide my bald spots after my hair falls out again.  I'm afraid I'm going to suck for awhile, that I'm ruining Grace's life, that life goes faster and faster and I'm still a slow learner.

Listen, I KNOW.  I know that kids grow up too fast.  I know moms are never ready to let go.  I know the best gift you can give your kid is a sibling. I know I will love and admire this second baby just as much as I do her sister.  I know in my heart that this is all true, and that everyone will grow into exactly who they need to be but wait just a minute I'm still learning how to do this and now there's going to be two of them?  Grace, you are the grand experiment of my life, you're teaching me how to really live.  New baby, you're getting a much more sane and capable mother than your sister did off the bat, but I promise I won't forget that you're unique and I will let you teach me your lessons, how to be the mother you need. Can you both just remember that going forward? Can I let you know that when I get overtired or annoyed I get a little snippy, when I get overwhelmed I tend to clean with an aggressive fervor that frightens your father, and when I get burnt out I cry. I'm going to do the absolute best job I can, soaking up all of YOU, BOTH of you, but you have to admit the deck is stacked against new moms, and I'm going to lose it from time to time.  And I pray to my Lord we can shelter you from the fallout...but if I can't, I'm not going to kill myself with the guilt of not having it all figured out, because I'm just a human.  And the earlier you know that about me, the better off we will be.

So here I am, pregnant, in every sense of the word.  It's hard to appreciate something in the present moment, isn't it?  Other than to just live your life with gratitude?  I guess that's what I'm going to do for the next few weeks, just be grateful for what I have in the present moment.  These are the moments I will reflect on when I'm old, I'm sure, and I want to make sure my old lady self is content that the new mom version of her didn't sweat the small stuff, didn't waste the precious moments, but didn't fret over MAKING THEM PRECIOUS, either.  Thank you God, thank you Eric, thank you Grace, thank you Mimi and Papa and Anna.  Thank you.  I am so grateful.