Should vs Is

Right now Grace is watching Dora, drinking orange juice, and eating cheez-its.
She should be writing her ABC's, drinking a kale smoothie, and asking for, I dunno, broccoli.

Right now I'm camped out in front of my laptop writing this and shopping on Etsy, when I should be organizing the endless stream of toys that leads from room to room, or folding laundry or unloading and reloading my dishwasher. I should start dinner.  I should probably find some sort of prenatal work out dvd to do!  I should read at least one important novel before the baby arrives.  I should probably do some volunteer work.  I should find a dog training system that will keep Georgia from peeing on the carpet ONCE AND FOR ALL.  Should. I really should.

I should not give Grace unlimited sugar cookies and frosting...

And expect her to sleep again, ever.

Lately, I've been thinking about the idea of "should" versus "is." I realize I live between these two ideas constantly. Many times it's simple, trivial stuff -- I should get some more exercise, I should go to bed earlier, I should really look for that overdue library book...All of this stuff is obvious and ultimately doesn't make all that much of a difference in the way I live my life.  More often, though, I struggle with the way I should be versus the way I actually am.  I should be exuberantly happy, endlessly satisfied, I shouldn't have any complaints because LOOK AT ALL THIS!  My health, a beautiful daughter, a warm home, a smart, supportive husband-- this is enough, right?  I have beautiful things, an amazing family, a capable body, I even have nice hair.  I have it all.  I literally have everything I need, and most of the things I want.  And I am overjoyed by it.  But sometimes...sometimes I feel a little down, a little searching, a little empty.  And I wonder how in the world a girl like me has the gall to even entertain the possibility of feeling down when there are insert any of today's tragic headlines here.  I should be content!  I should stop the mental complaints.  I should feel complete, satisfied.  Look around!

My shero, Glennon Doyle Melton, writes about the "God-sized hole" we have in our lives, the place in our spirit that is responsible for the empty feelings, the blues, and I venture to guess, the wellspring of should.  She writes how she filled hers with food and sex and drugs and alcohol for a really long time, until she learned that nothing actually fills that hole except God.  And since God doesn't work in the ways of man, that hole looms large from time to time.  We all do things that are often not in our best interest, just to fill that void that can sneak up on us and make even the most complete of us feel a little empty. (Maybe you think I'm nuts right now, or maybe you should try wintering in the midwest.  Seasonal affective order is real, people.) I think back to when I had more control of my time and how, when things would get a little angsty inside my brain, I'd hit the gym for a few hours, or I'd super clean a closet with a podcast or music filling my ears, or I'd paint my bedroom.  Eric used to over-do it on the video games, playing until his eyes were literally bloodshot, swearing at and smack talking 12 year olds. Now he just swears at other drivers or makes a lot of meat on his grill and then eats a lot of meat from his grill.  Anything to focus the energy of being a little empty, a little incomplete, when you should be fine.  

Two years ago, when I had Grace, the control I had over my life and time went in the garbage with my placenta.  Just. Gone.  I was forced to live in the moment, stop planning, stop running (literally), and focus on this tiny, 7 lb 4 oz person whom I loved so intensely I couldn't make heads from tails.  At the same time, I was forced to face my emptiness because I didn't have the time or energy to fill it with anything other than the present moment.  And you can ask my family and my husband, when a type A with semi perfectionist tendencies loses the control she had for the past 29 years, it ain't pretty.  It wasn't pretty.  I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, took some happy pills, and tried to figure out just how the heck a very together person like me fell so very far apart over something that was so very joyful. Dealing with this depression, which actually manifested itself as anxiety, made me realize there is a difference between who I thought I should be and who I actually am.  I should be in control, but I'm not. I should be content, but I have feelings that I don't like. I should be able to keep track of a few library books each week but I SIMPLY CANNOT.  I should be able to handle this life I've built, but I am actually someone who needs help from time to time.  More help than just, can you please hold my baby so I can take a shower? kind of help. And, more importantly, that I am deserving of that help.  We all are.

The ones that are stuck with me and my crazy.

Now, that girl, the one I thought I should be, she still shows up uninvited, and often out of the blue. And she gets me into trouble.  She's the one that likes to beat the hell out of me with my own thoughts, who keeps me up at night--Why do you feel anxious, restless, blue?  Look around, you ungrateful snot, you have it all! There's nothing wrong! Stop feeling this way! Then a very unhealthy cycle of thinking happens, and I get a little scared, like maybe I'm not actually okay after all.  But, the girl I actually am, God love her, she's getting stronger, and she's getting better at standing up for herself and telling the Should Girl that she's a liar.  That everything actually isn't as it should be right now, and that in itself is okay.  I think one of the best lessons I learned from being broken was how to acknowledge and accept the things that want to break me before they really kick my ass.  I don't like to feel anxious or restless or blue, and yet, I feel this way from time to time because it's part of my God-sized hole.  Usually, if I just sit with it for awhile and say, that's a big old hole God, can you help me fill it? It's making being a person hard today. And usually just accepting the hole, the emptiness, the feelings as true but not definitive is enough to not get swallowed up.

I don't want this to feel so heavy, like aww poor Erin and all of her feelings, she's so sensitive...I just want to take should out of the equation, and I think you should (lol) too. There's nothing less endearing than opening up to someone with your truth, shitty as it might be, and have them remind you of how great your life is.  "Yeah I hear you about feeling blue, but really, everything's fine!  You should try getting some more sleep! Journaling? You should try doing yoga!"  I hate responses like that and I often think, "Yes I have tried yoga and I've also tried gin and so far no dice."  So we need to stop doing that to ourselves, too. Give yourself permission to accept your feelings, your emptiness, as true and temporary, instead of letting the guilt of should kick your ass.  It's so much better.

Now, I really should get dinner ready.  Apparently these people need to eat in the morning, afternoon, AND evening.