Growing up...on a Tuesday

Growth

: to become larger : to increase in size, amount, etc.

: to become better or improved in some way : to become more developed, mature, etc.

: to become larger and change from being a child to being an adult as time passes

It's Memorial Day weekend (just kidding it's Tuesday. I started this last Thursday), and if you're from the Midwest, you know that this is the kick off to our growing season.  This weekend, we went to Grace's Grandpa Giant's house to help him start his garden, and then spent time on Memorial Day getting our own garden ready.  It's so exciting, to look at a barren plot of dirt at the end of May, and visualize what it will look like at the end of August.  So much potential.

When I was younger, the physical process of growing was so amazing and obvious.  There were some mornings I'd put my feet on the floor, stand up and realize I had literally grown overnight.  I think there were times when my parents were quietly freaking out about my growth..."5'8, 5'8.5, 5'9 will it ever end?! Did we birth an Amazonian?!" (It did end, after I eclipsed them both and made it my life's work to find pants with extra long inseams.)  Exciting and scary as it was, those inches don't come easy.  Growing pains.  You feel me right? Those achy pains in your legs that keep you up at night...and then one day, they stop.  You have hit your last growth spurt, and you are a person grown. 

I found myself in awe of Grace the other day, marveling over her growth as I always do.  You may have seen her swinging from the playground monkey bars...ikr?

I found myself in awe of my sister Anna the other day, marveling over her beauty, her growth, her maturity as she prepares to graduate high school next week. I could cry just thinking about it.

These girls--one just starting her journey, one on the precipice of adulthood--they are so lovely, so full of potential, they are growing up perfectly right in front of my eyes. I couldn't be prouder. As an older sister and mother, I am so excited for all of the lessons they get to learn as they continue to grow.

I'm also terrified, because just like my achy legs kept me up as a teen, the growing pains of our spirit...oh those can hurt. 

What is growth?  What does that word mean to you? 

I had to do a lot of growing recently.  I had a baby, and then I had wicked, wicked Postpartum Depression. Knocked me on my ass, streaming tears, put me in a loony bin kind of sh*t. It was like God stripped away the veneer of my life and showed me how high the stakes are underneath.  You think it's all about straight teeth and clean floors? Girrl, I'll show you... He also showed me it's not actually my job to manage all that stuff. I'm still dealing with residuals of it, though. And it's been tough. So this topic of growth, it's become an obsession to me. I have to know that the struggle I've faced is for some greater good. I tell you this not for sympathy, but to lend some legitimacy to the depth of my fascination with this topic of growth. What is the point of all this, anyway? I should have earned a doctorate in growth this past year and a half -- Erin E. S. Nycz, new mother and over-comer of Crazytown, PhD. And yet, I know I'm still at the very beginning.

Yesterday someone asked me if I was still in high school and I wanted to open mouth kiss her. Grow up, not old.  Seems I have more in common with Peter Pan than just my physique...

I'm lucky I have a husband/best friend who I can talk to and confide in, who knows my intricacies and can talk my noisy brain back to peace and rationality.  I'm lucky I can journal and write and pray when my spirit is so uneasy I can hardly function.  I'm lucky I have a Dr. who has been in a similar spot as me and shoots me a few Ambien when things get really messy. How do you deal with your growing pains? Do you stay up at night like me, held hostage by your mind?   Do you punch one of your friends two weeks before graduation because the anticipation of the future is manifesting itself in a big, physical way?  Do you sit quietly and process, no one ever to be the wiser?  Do you cry over an old white T shirt while cleaning out your closet? Or do you make a huge mess of your life, and have to pick up the pieces once the lesson is learned?  Those are the people who make me want to say oh, GROW UP already! Happens to all of us, though, I suppose.  I bet someone's even thought that about me.  Probably Eric. Probably when I tell him old auto show stories (and then we actually balanced the pint glass on my a*$...not amused?!) Anyway, I was around people recently who made me think, please for the loveofeverythingholy grow up!  And it gave me pause...to wonder what growing actually is when you're supposed to be a grown-up. And instead of getting judgey and annoyed, maybe I should be a little more understanding.  These lessons, this life...it's hard.

We plant seeds in soil and tend to them, making sure their environment is just right--Grandpa Giant starts his plants in his basement in February, and checks them daily to ensure they get just the right amount of water and light.  (We're waiting for the Feds to show up - to make sure his "green" is legal...) Then we take those seedlings and tenderly plant them in the earth, waiting for just the right temperature, we cover them if it's cold, we water, we weed...we set the stage to make sure they flourish.
 
Why don't we make more of an effort to do that for each other?  We're all going to fall, we're all going to fail.  Wouldn't it be better to do in an environment that provides a soft landing?

Teeny tiny stones are not that soft, but they are slightly softer than bark, which is much softer than concrete. I've learned this recently.

It's especially hard to navigate as an adult, when all the metrics we've become accustomed to measure our growth are long gone.  As children, there are report cards, progress reports, a yearly physical, all to make sure our growth is on track.  She socializes well but she's got a little work to do in math... In college, the progress reports become a little less about you and little more about the work you're doing in your field of study.  And then, in adulthood, good frickin' luck. I'm reminded of a recent scene from Mad Men when, after being told to fill out her own evaluation form, Peggy stands before Don's desk and demands an evaluation from him.  I hear ya, Pegs.  I want to know if I'm on the right track too.  Tell me if I'm doing it right!  I never hear exactly what I'm hoping for. But then I look at Grace's sweet face, or an old photograph of my college friends, or return a text message to my sisters that makes me laugh out loud, and I have my answer.

I was talking with Anna about her future plans and she said something that really stuck with me...that she has so many choices, all leading down different paths...how to choose?  Which one is right? 

Maybe the best way to grow is to take the pressure off ourselves to have it figured out.  You want to be a journalist?  Get it girl.  You want to run a marathon? Slay it my friend.  You want to enjoy your life with people that make you happy, growing into your role as a wife/husband/mother/father/daughter/sister/friend?  Me too.  Maybe that's all there is to it.  Maybe this is normal.